Navigating the Transition to Mom

This week we dive into the transformative journey of parenthood with military spouse and mom of three Cali, exploring how she balances raising a toddler and identical twins while maintaining her personal identity and wellness.

We cover: 

• The unexpected shift from career woman to stay-at-home mom
• The challenge of maintaining personal identity while dedicating yourself to motherhood
• The importance of finding community with other moms through free resources like library programs
• Strategic ways to incorporate self-care into busy mom life, even with limited time and resources
• The critical role of direct communication and co-parenting dynamics
• Practical suggestions for friends and family who want to support new moms without overstepping
• The powerful perspective that taking care of yourself is essential to being present for your children

About the Guest: 

Cali Tolbert is a health and wellness professional and a Mom to a toddler and identical twins. Currently she teaches group fitness classes and stays at home with her children. Cali has her undergraduate in Kinesiology Exercise science and her Masters in Integrative Wellness. She holds certifications through ACSM, AFAA, and is a board certified health and wellness coach. 

@cali_wellness

Resources:

• https://postpartum.net/
• Local Libraries
• Mom Support Groups on FB
• Postpartum yoga classes

Podcast Intro and Outro  Music from #Uppbeat (free for Creators!):
https://uppbeat.io/t/moire/new-life

Thanks for listening! Find me @lessonstolearnbeforeyoudie. And if you enjoy the podcast, I'd really appreciate sharing the love (share an episode or leave me a review!)

Chapters

• 0:56 Meeting Supermom Cali
• 4:29 From Career Woman to Stay-at-Home Mom
• 8:48 The Hardest Parts of Motherhood
• 12:40 Building a Supportive Mom Community
• 18:05 Maintaining Identity Beyond "Just Mom"
• 21:53 How Others Can Help New Moms
• 30:52 Parenting Together as a Team
• 36:43 Advice to New Moms

Transcript

Parker: 0:28

Hi and welcome. Today we're joined by Cali. Cali is a health and wellness professional, a military spouse and a mom to a toddler and identical twins. She currently teaches group fitness classes and stays home with her children. So welcome, Cali.

Cali: 0:45

Hi, thanks for having me, parker, excited to talk today.

Parker: 0:48

Yeah, I'm excited to catch up to you and I like so in awe because you just seem like a super mom, handling all of your kids, illnesses and just you know, keeping the whole house together. And I know you're moving soon, so I'm just I'm always impressed by moms, but you know, especially you.

Cali: 1:09

Thank you. We definitely have had some craziness the past few months with moving and sicknesses for like a month round of sicknesses and that was challenging with three kids for the first time experiencing that Um. So yeah, we're all healthy for now. Hopefully for a long time hopefully for a long time.

Parker: 1:24

Yes, so, um, you have a boy and twin girls. Was that something you always like? Knew you wanted to have kids or multiple kids, or tell me about that.

Cali: 1:37

Um, I, I think I always wanted growing up to be a mom and was hoping to have kids, um, and I think I kind of always wanted a boy and a girl, but I was going to be happy if I even got, you know, one Um. So to be a boy mom and have two girls now is definitely like I feel like exactly where I'm meant to be, but I originally thought maybe just like one or two, and my husband is um, one of four, um, like siblings, so he didn't really want more than two and I wanted three kids, so. So when we had twins I was like I win, now we have three Compromise two pregnancies, three kids.

Parker: 2:18

Yes.

Cali: 2:18

Yeah, but I definitely didn't imagine having twins. But I knew I always wanted to be a mom and, yeah, I just got very thankful. I'm just very thankful I do have what I have now.

Parker: 2:32

It's funny, we actually know a lot of people with twins because, if I'm thinking about it, you Kristen from high school and from college, we know a lot of twin moms.

Cali: 2:41

Yes, and actually two of my bridesmaids both have identical twins my friend Amanda and my friend Anne. One has a twin identical twin boys and the other has twin identical girls. So we said maybe there's something in the Jamie Bridgewater water, be careful. Yeah, it's very spontaneous to have identical twins, like there's paternal twins and identical twins, and paternal usually run in the family. As people would say. Identical twins are one baby forms and it's really bored so it's like I'm just gonna make another baby to hang out with me. So, yeah, we were very surprised to have twins. Was not expecting that portion, um at all, but yeah, kind of crazy.

Parker: 3:23

So many people have twins that we know at least you know you have somebody else to talk to then and hopefully kind of uh, figure it out together.

Cali: 3:32

Yes, yes, yeah, have twin support.

Parker: 3:34

Yeah, obviously we've just talked about how being a mom has turned out slightly differently than you anticipated or expected, not just because of having twins, but also because I think your original intention was to work full-time and now you're working part-time and then staying at home with the kids the rest of the time. So kind of what changed after you gave birth to make that switch?

Cali: 4:01

Yeah, I remember when I was pregnant so many people were asking, like, are you going to continue to work? And I was like, absolutely, like I would never be able to stay home with kids. I always want to have a purpose is what I kind of thought. I always want to have my work because I really really enjoyed working. At that time I was fitness wellness coordinator at San Diego State, so I got to mentor students, I got to, you know, train people that teach like credit courses and the whole fitness program and wellness programs and initiatives. So I enjoyed what I was doing so much that I never thought I was going to quit.

Cali: 4:38

And then some people, you know, feel connected to their babies when they're pregnant, some at birth, some people like later, after birth, and Max, my first, he's three and a half now. As soon as he was born, I was like there's like nothing else that's more important, important than this. So I remember having that conversation as I started to get closer, going back to work with my husband, and he was like you know I can tell you're really stressed out about this. Um, let's, you know, go back to work. It goes. But no, like I'll support you no matter what. And I think it's different for every family. You know, some people are like you know, um, you know, I don't want to stay at home, and that's totally fine. Um, some people do want to stay at home, and that's totally fine too, and you're maybe not able to do what you want to do at the time, but depends on financial status and whether you need health insurance and all these other factors, and I was experiencing a lot of postpartum anxiety too, so that contributed as well. So I went back to work for I think like three or four months and since my husband military, he had 12 hour days.

Cali: 5:48

I was doing drop off, I was doing pickup, I was doing all the bottles for daycare, I was doing drop off, I was doing pickup, I was doing all the bottles for daycare, I was making dinner, I was handling our two fur babies as well, and it was completely, utterly exhausting for me doing that all by myself. We don't have family out here. So that switch kind of from when he was born to when I started to return to work is where I kind of knew and I was really heartbroken because I really loved what I did at work and I was lucky enough to have a boss who was supportive and said you know, you, you can do part-time if you want to. We can work something out.

Cali: 6:23

But for me personally for, like my mental health it was good to just like slow down with max. It was not rushing in the morning to get out of the house to make drop off, to come back to rushing to leave work early, to come home to rushing to wash all the bottles and get dinner and then get him to bed on time. So it worked out like exactly how it was meant to, I think, and like I got to spend so much time with him and that was again just better. For me personally, it was still crazy, but yeah, not having family help and everything. That was like what worked best for us and I'm thankful that we were able to do that and it worked out.

Parker: 7:03

I imagine it's also like. I mean, it's really hard, I think, like you said, being kind of on your own for the most part, if your husband has a demeaning job, um to to work full-time and have kids, like I imagine. Also financially it's quite expensive. So I feel like it. It is hard to juggle both and I admire those who do, but I don't know if society is necessarily set up to make it easy.

Cali: 7:29

Yeah, I mean, I think like 70% of my paycheck was just going towards daycare. Um, it was an excessive amount.

Parker: 7:36

And then you're like I'm running around doing all this and for like pennies, yeah.

Cali: 7:40

Yes, and it's more like if you need the health insurance. I know a lot of people still want to work and thankfully I was covered by my husband, so we actually probably ended up saving money by me just staying home too, because there's not a lot of jobs that pay like excessively and especially now with three kids, there's no job, I think, in this world that would afford daycare for all three kids right now. So unless you have like again family health, that can come watch, but yeah, not set up to be successful.

Parker: 8:09

So you decided to shift gears. But what do you think the hardest part about being a mom was in that transition phase.

Cali: 8:19

I think the hardest part about being a mom during that was like taking care of myself because you love this. You know baby or your baby so much that you're constantly doing whatever they need and wanting to make them happy and you're giving giving. Giving not a lot of appreciation, because you know babies can't really show that. Besides, you know cuddles and things like that. But I'm someone who likes to know I'm doing a good job and there is no validation in that to be like like you're doing a good job. As a mom, you just kind of feel like you're struggling each day and making it through and doing the best that you can each day. So just kind of taking time to take care of yourself because you're exhausted from taking care of another human that you kind of neglect. Things that you might need is whether it's as simple as like a shower or having a social connection with a friend. Um, I think that was the hardest part for me and kind of still still is.

Parker: 9:19

What would you give some tips to other new moms to help during that transition? To be like quote unquote healthy healthy.

Cali: 9:28

Um, it's important to kind of identify, I think, for you what you need to be healthier on. I mean, sleep is kind of impossible because you can't really control that. Luckily, max slept at like four months through the night and, you know, had regressions here or there, but my twins are almost one and have slept through the night together eight times in their whole life. So that's not something I can really control and they need me all the time. So for me, like sleep isn't something that I can get a lot of help with, but I can control like my hydration, I can control like staying on top of, like eating, so I'm not, you know, exhausted and going, you know, running on empty.

Cali: 10:05

I can make time to, you know, be social with other moms and find that community. So I think for, in terms of like habits for other moms, like having a community of other moms or something that you can feel connected with and, you know, still bring your babies utilizing free resources like public libraries will sometimes do, you know, baby sign language we did that with Max so much and then like reading time or baby play dates, that kind of knocks two birds with one stone, you know. You get out of the house and then you get to talk to other moms who are also going through it and just having that community really kind of helps you push, push through and get by and gives you something to look forward to each week so that you kind of have a schedule. Otherwise it can be really easy to just like stay at home and, you know, worry about things, but getting outside like completely helps us when we're having a hard time.

Parker: 10:57

Just a little bit of sunshine so like taking walks or whatever, like, like you said there are some free resources um the library one's super smart yeah are there any other ways that you would suggest moms developing like community of moms, like Facebook groups or things like that?

Cali: 11:15

Yeah, it's funny Cause I think for like this round, I've used a lot of like twin mom support groups through Facebook or things like that. But with Max, honestly, it was through some of like the military resources that we had and I met moms there. Or even just like going to a playground and you see another kid with like similar age, things like that, and you just start talking. You just kind of have to force yourself to be a little bit more social. There are some like mom, like mommy workout groups too, that I've seen around too. That can be pretty cool.

Cali: 11:45

So, find something that, like you're interested in doing as well, that you can incorporate your baby into, I think. Think that's um like a good way to input it. Or, you know, if you're going to walk with a friend on the weekend who, um, you know, doesn't have a kid, can you know you could bring your baby and go do that and, um again, knock out some physical activity and get some social connection in Um. So, yeah, those are just some kind of little tips there that you could use.

Parker: 12:10

I love that. What has been the best surprise about being a mom?

Cali: 12:16

Oh, I think it's just so rewarding sometimes and within all the like challenging times and like those hard parts, when you do get like some of these rewarding or like surprises, it makes up like completely for any of the bad times that you've had in that day. I think right now the biggest thing is seeing my son, max, interact with the twins and like making them laugh, or if, like all three kids are laughing at me, my heart just kind of like explodes. It's just like unbelievable cuteness, with like all three of them laughing and giggling and you know, max helping his sisters. Like seeing their interaction has been really surprising for me and like just so rewarding to be like, okay, they're doing really great. You know, like at times I feel like it's a little crazy but like we're managing and, um, you know they're happy, they're loved, they're careful, cared for and you know that's really what matters at the end of the day.

Parker: 13:11

Well, and I also feel like in the early years it probably is incredibly challenging for different reasons than perhaps you know, like teenage years, but those early years have so many developmental milestones that I imagine that it gives a lot of kind of like little opportunities for celebration as you see them learn how to be like a human.

Cali: 13:34

Yes, yeah, the girls are kind of you know, in that stage right now where they're taking their first um. You know, like standing by themselves and um saying like they're trying to say max, so Clara will go, like Matt, Matt, and she'll be looking for him in his room, so it's so cute. That's another like rewarding part is just seeing them learn and, you know, stand by themselves and you know, like play peekaboo or like interact with each other. Yeah, All those little milestones you like get such like a big heart melting, feeling like, oh my gosh, they're accomplishing these. That's amazing, yeah.

Parker: 14:09

I know that a lot of. I talked to somebody else that I'm close with who actually started going to therapy because they felt like they were kind of losing a little bit of their identity outside of mom, because especially in those early years it is, and especially if you take home, you stay at home, it becomes a very kind of all encompassing aspect of your life. Right Like you spend all of your time trying to take care of this little one that's so reliant on you, have you found it to be hard to maintain an identity like outside of mom?

Cali: 14:42

Absolutely I. After I stayed home with Max, it was like the first few months we were, you know, like feeling great, and then after a few months I was just like great. And then after a few months I was just like I'm just mom, like there's no other activities that I'm doing, it's just taking care of this baby, which I love so much. And it's so hard because you don't want to be away from them but at the same time you need a little bit of your own identity to hold on to. So I think it was about a year after he was, after I left full-time, a year after he was, after I left full time, I came back and started teaching group fitness classes part-time and that was so good for my mental health even if it was just an hour to three a week to go and be able to have something that I enjoy doing and getting again interaction with you know, adults and not just kind of babies around Um. But that was probably the best thing I did and still do now with the girls. Um, it's definitely decreased.

Cali: 15:40

It was just harder to do stuff with three, but, um, I teach like cycling now on the weekends and, um, that really helps me, like so much to know that I have something that's just mine, that I get to, you know, do for me and me solely so that, yeah, that it's huge and it's really hard to maintain your own identity within that.

Cali: 16:02

You kind of lose track of things that you love doing. And I think the other thing that helps me is knowing that all of this is temporary, like it's just a season, and you know it's not my time to go out to dinner with a bunch of girlfriends from like five to 8 PM, but I will be able to do that in like another year when the girls are a little bit older and like don't rely on me as much. But you know I can do a weekend like walk with a friend. So I think trying to like fit your identity into different ways that you you know they're possible is just hard in itself to to figure out. Okay, how can I be me and how can I incorporate that with, like, our lifestyle?

Parker: 16:40

Yeah, when I imagine there are, like you said, like different seasons, kind of depending on where they're developmental or their activities, cause once they get older I'm sure there'll be, you know, maybe in sports or things like that.

Parker: 16:51

And then I'm sure you're attending all of these games and stuff, but I feel like from my perspective, it is probably positive to show your kids that you have things for yourself, so that it's almost like an example for them later. I mean, obviously you're not abandoning their needs, but it's like I feel like prioritizing yourself shows them that you can accomplish things and that you can be a human and a person and have interests, and almost encourage them to do things themselves or to have things for themselves, as you have as well have as well.

Cali: 17:36

Yeah, yeah, I, 1000%. I agree with that. It's hard to like not feel guilty leaving them, but it is so important for them to see you have your own time and it helps everybody, even though it can be hard to make that happen. And I remember when I went to teach um cycling, um, like two months ago, my toddler, um Max, was like like oh, why do you have to go teach cycle? Can I come? And I was like you know, no, mommy has to go. Like you have to be 18 to go.

Cali: 18:01

And um, he, like guilt, tripped me hard and I was like this is one hour, this is the one hour a week that mommy goes and does something for herself. You know, like I'll be back, we'll play. And then, like the next um, it was like the next day or two, he was down here trying to ride my fitness bike. So, like he understood, like, oh, like you know mommy's going and riding a bike, like, so I went. So it was kind of like he learned, like oh, it's important to like exercise, um, maybe in his head, but yeah, it's funny, he was really trying to guilt trip me there, but I was like it's better for everybody and you get to spend time with dad too, like undivided attention there.

Cali: 18:38

So it's good for them to see you have something and especially, like the moms who work full time and everything, it's so good for them to see like, oh, like you know, my mom can, you know, do all of this and still take care of me. So it goes both ways and I feel like it's so challenging again to figure out like what works best. But yeah, it's good to have some separation, as much as you want to be with them all the time sometimes, or you know just like need it.

Parker: 19:05

Yeah, do you think it kind of helps provide some like small independence, because I imagine eventually you want them to be like independent and having little bits where they kind of miss you or whatever.

Cali: 19:17

Yeah, for sure. I think it totally helps with their independence and, just you know, letting them, letting them figure out what to do without mom for a little bit how?

Parker: 19:26

how do you counteract the mom guilt Cause I am not a mom, but every mom I've talked to has mentioned mom guilt, like how?

Cali: 19:35

do you? Yeah, how do you counteract that? Yeah, um, I think I'm still trying to figure it out. Um, but even with three, I, you know, I go out and I just feel like horrible that the girls are like crying for dad while they're trying to get down for a nap, cause they rely on me so much. Yeah, um, but yeah, I'm like they're crying now. They're like, oh, mom, don't get me up from nap. But like I know my sister's got it so putting in my head, like you know my sister or you know Daniel's capable of doing this, like they're in good hands, they're safe.

Cali: 20:07

Um, and like I know I will be better refreshed when I come back, and I do whenever I teach, like a class on the weekend, or I just go to the grocery store by myself or, you know, do physical therapy, like I did this morning, I come back with so much more energy and so much more patience and it essentially like makes me a better in a better mood to be a better mom for that day, whereas if it's just me kind of here and not getting a break, like the patience runs low, especially when there's lack of sleep. So, um, yeah, you just have to kind of battle it and I, I see a counselor too. So I'm like, or you know, seeing a counselor if you're able to, and, um, you know, stresses happen and it's okay to ask for help. So, um, we like talk about tactics and like mind shifts and things like that. So it better helps me to kind of handle whatever's you know going on for the day.

Parker: 20:59

Yeah, You're more capable if you're like at least filling into yourself a little bit.

Cali: 21:04

Yeah.

Parker: 21:04

Yeah, for sure, that makes sense. You mentioned your sister's there and I know she doesn't live there, but she's visiting. What do you think are some helpful things that others can do for new moms without overstepping?

Cali: 21:20

Yeah, that, I think, is different to a family versus like friends. My family, I'm not like ashamed to be like hey, can you wash bottles for me? Like, hey, can you take the baby or can you walk the dogs? Um, it's easy to give more direction with family. I think, especially if it's more like your family versus like a mother-in-law or father-in-law, might be more difficult to relay that. So, um, with friends, I think the most helpful thing. Um, I had a friend who came over and just said hey, I want to come over for an hour. She had a toddler and she's like you know, my son can play with Max. I want to wash bottles or do anything. Does you know this this Saturday? You know what time for an hour would work this Saturday, and it wasn't.

Cali: 22:09

Versus just saying like, hey, is there anything I can do for you? Cause I think as a mom you have so much going on in your brain and if someone asks you, you know what else or what can they do. Sometimes for me at least, it's there's so many things, but I don't want to burden you with them, so I'm going to just say like oh no, we're good, but thanks for offering like so sweet, but inside. I'm like there are a hundred different things in the back of my head that I would love help with, but I feel guilty like asking for help. So I've been a little bit better now with the twins of you know asking for help if I need, like my neighbor, like hey, can you come over and watch the girls for 10 minutes so I can just walk the dogs really quick, or you know little things like that.

Cali: 22:48

Um, but for, like, new moms, like in the early stages, I think the meal trains were crazy helpful because everybody needs to eat, everybody needs to hydrate. You know like things like that can be done. So if a mom doesn't have a meal train set up, you can message her and say like hey, do you have a meal train set up? If not, can I set up something for you? How many meals a week? Can I set up something for you? How many meals a week?

Cali: 23:18

We have a spouse group. We have a spouse group and in that spouse group they always set up a meal chain for new moms and they set up. You know we went two days a week or however much you want, donating gift cards, but that was super crazy helpful for us and it was a way, like you said, we're not overstepping, because sometimes, if you're in the trenches, you don't want company over. Sometimes you do so giving options being like hey, I want to come over and help you. Would it be more helpful to hold the baby so you can sleep or do laundry? Yeah, and like would Saturday work? Or when Monday? But like giving options versus just like let me know a date that works, because maybe that works for some people, but for me it didn't.

Parker: 23:57

I was like giving options helps narrow it down, Right, Because if it's too open ended you're like I don't know dude or like, but if you're like two or three options of activities or dates, you're like okay, this works, and if one of them didn't work you'd be like no, but actually I need this, or would this time work?

Parker: 24:12

And I feel like it just gives you something a starting place to bounce off of. I like the laundry idea too, because I imagine you go through a lot of laundry, it's literally laundry every single day, and I used to.

Cali: 24:21

I used to make fun of my old roommate because she would do her laundry and put it in the dry or put it in the hamper and it was clean and it would stay there for like a week. And he was like why don't you just fold it on the same day? And I always messaged her and I'm like I have two bins of laundry that I've been sitting there for three days, like I know what you felt now, um, but I was also going to say to just it doesn't hurt, though, to just say like hey, I'm here for you If you need anything.

Cali: 24:43

The power of those words does hold a lot to a new mom. So even if you're not able to like do much and just be like a venting ear or things like that, that can go a long way too if you're not able to like physically set up something or come over. But gosh, I had a mom who just I don't know her like crazy well, but I met her a few times and she saw one of my stories that I was struggling so hard on sleep and she was like hey, what's your email? And I sent it to her and she sent me a Starbucks gift card. It was like, please go treat yourself to coffee. And I'm like I barely even know this mom and you know just like kind little gestures, gestures like that really go a long way.

Parker: 25:22

You know, that's amazing Um, I have a lot of friends who I feel like are having babies, so I always want to know what I can do for them because, I haven't been through it and I don't know, and I imagine it's pretty overwhelming when you're a mom for the first time, because it's I don't know if mom tuition really like kicks in immediately. I feel like I would be like Googling everything, like is this normal?

Cali: 25:45

I still Google sometimes and I have three, but I'm still like, is this normal? Like what is this? How much it's the first time you hit three right, so yeah yeah, yeah, oh yeah, you still use dr google, I think, even now um, I, yeah, I definitely feel like the identity thing and the health thing are two important aspects about being a mom.

Parker: 26:08

That's like you are still a person outside of that um and I heard this, this question, phrased once that like was to a parent and it was like every parent says they're willing to like die for their kids. And then I was like but are you willing to live for your kids? Like, are you willing to maintain your own health and well-being enough that you're actually like living for them and sticking around for them too, like, and I think that is. It was really powerful when I heard it and I'm not even a mom, so I can't imagine.

Cali: 26:42

Yeah, oh gosh, yeah, that is such a powerful quote. I've heard that as well. And yeah, it's like if you again aren't taking care of yourself, you're not going to be able to kind of like, physically keep up with the things that at hand. And again, if you're not addressing, like, your mental health and you're doing yourself like a disservice to take care of yourself, and if you're not, you know, trying to get a little bit stronger, things like that it's going to be harder for you. So there's so much that goes on. Like no one should feel guilty for not doing something. But when you look at it in terms of, like what can I do to make myself better for my kids, then it clicks a little bit more. And you're like, okay, like I do want to, you know, do some cardio or do some strength training so I'm able to carry both of my toes at the same time. Like you know little things like that. So you have to find the right motivation to do that.

Cali: 27:30

And I feel like that quote is so powerful because pretty much everybody, like you said, would die for your kids. But you're like I have to take care of myself in order to do that. Just like that airplane. Um, like the mask quote, you know, before taking care of others, like you're not going to be able to help them if you're not taking care of yourself, and you get so drained out, giving your energy away, that it's hard to focus on yourself for sure. Um, yeah, just one little thing at a time. You can't do it all.

Parker: 27:56

Yeah, I imagine most moms feel like there's not a lot of time and I imagine like prioritizing one aspect for yourself and either finding ways to fit it into your life, like while the kids are done for a nap, doing some at home Pilates, youtube video or something or like yeah, like you said, going on a walk with your kids, or you know, and I know it, like everybody's situation is different depending on finances, whether they're a single parent or not, whether they're, you know, spouses home or not.

Parker: 28:31

But if you have a spouse who is around, like, I imagine that you could advocate for like hey, I need this hour a week to do something for myself. Yeah, and hopefully you would reciprocate right, like yes.

Cali: 28:48

Yeah.

Parker: 28:48

I'm a firm believer that like dads are not babysitting, they're like parents. But I personally, I feel like if I could be a dad instead of a mom, I would want to be a parent far more likely, because I feel like they get praised for doing anything, whereas I feel like moms are expected and then get criticized if they don't go way above and beyond when it's like men get yeah, yeah, I went to like a work function, I remember, with Max and it was seven months and someone was like, well, who's watching the baby?

Cali: 29:23

and like, like he's with his dad and they're like, oh, that's so nice of him, like it's his dad, like, yeah, he's a good parent. He shows up like he's not babysitting, like, and sometimes I say like Daniel's watching them, but like he would also say like Cali's at home watching them, but I try to be really careful with that. But, yeah, having like twins now I think I'm really good and Daniel and I are both a lot. My husband, daniel's, and I are a lot better at explaining what we need and when, like he recognizes when I'm really overwhelmed and it's like you know, why don't you go lay down?

Cali: 29:57

I will take the kids for you know, 30 minutes to an hour like go lay down. Or I'll tell him like, hey, I really just need to like go do something, whether it's like the gym or target or coffee run, like I just I need to get out for a little bit, and we're really good at communicating. I think this now. It was really hard initially to figure that out and be direct about what we need, but I think we both do a better job now of like recognizing and then asking the other person like hey, what do you need to again show up and be fully here, whether it's sleep or just time out or um exercise? You know things like that. Yeah, it's, it's takes two.

Parker: 30:39

I imagine that transition to like as a couple is is huge. Do you have any tips around, like figuring out how to be parents together, Because it's not just on you?

Cali: 30:50

Yeah, I think with Max it was really hard initially, initially and I think probably first time moms it's always going to be hard and figure it out and we did some couples counseling together to help with that um.

Cali: 31:05

But I think with twins it was kind of like we were supposed to have twins because it actually gave me like I could not do both at the same time all the time. So like I have to be okay, to be like okay, like you take Claire, I take Emma or you know we switch um. So now we are both doing like 50 50 of everything, whereas when it was just Max, like I held him all the time, I did most of the things because I was staying at home with him. And now it's like we're both fully present, splitting things like tag teaming, everything, um. But initially like just couples counseling helped because it's hard to communicate with, like we're both fully present, splitting things like tag teaming everything, but initially like just couples counseling helped because it's hard to communicate with what you need and again, especially on lack of sleep, that makes everything so difficult and like Tighten emotions.

Parker: 31:49

I'm sure.

Cali: 31:49

Yeah, yeah, emotions are high, like stress is high and versus like being resentful because I was so resentful that Daniel got to go to work initially when I was staying home like, well, he gets to go and have a break all day, but in reality he's going to work and like having a full day.

Cali: 32:06

Then coming home to, you know, chaos at home, and I'll say now with, like, the twins, and that he comes home in a good mood, like somehow he can switch, maybe have his time like decompressing at home, but then as soon as the you know everybody goes down, it's like okay, like we finally have a little bit of calm, like you know, now we can have our own time, but you really just don't have time to do your own thing, like, and if you're going to work and coming back again, like if I was working full time, I have no idea how I would like handle that, even like drop-offs and pickups and things like that.

Cali: 32:39

So, um, yeah, we work a lot better now with having the twins, because you're kind of forced to adapt and learn in that. But, yeah, it's helped us become, I think, better at parenting together by having more kids, which is kind of funny. Um, but yeah, we just communicate a lot better and, like you know, you have to step up because there's more kids, which is kind of funny. But yeah, we just communicate a lot better and, like you know, you have to step up because there's more kids than adults, like somebody has to have a kid at all times.

Parker: 33:05

Yeah, so I'm guessing it's like communicating your needs, maybe having some private conversations later, like after the kids go to bed about what you need like after the kids go to bed, about what you need.

Cali: 33:19

Um, yeah, like it's hard to be direct and in a positive way versus just being resentful and being like you know you need to do this or you know now. It's like, hey, bottles need to be done and max needs a shower. Like which one do you want to do?

Parker: 33:29

um, so like just communicating that with and giving options, but do you guys have like standard, you do this, he does that. Or do you guys just like standard, you do this, he does that. Or do you guys just kind of take it day by day and it's like here's things that need to get done, who wants to take what?

Cali: 33:42

I think now we've kind of gotten to a good realm of like, what is his task and what's mine, but we still offer Um, but like, since I'm primarily like pumping mostly and you're still a little bit, but since I'm pumping a lot, like I hate washing the bottles, I hate washing the pump parts, so like he does that at the end of the day and he's cleaning.

Cali: 34:00

Yes, he's cooking, I'm doing all the laundry. He doesn't touch the laundry. I hate cooking. I have to do it sometimes. But, um, yeah, he's like cook, I'm cleaning, cleaning, I'm like getting the girls down, usually for bed. He's usually helping with Max and doing, like, bath time with the kids. Um, but yeah, some of those things are interchangeable. Like, um, you know, do you want to start Max's bath and um, I'll get the girls changed or we'll switch so that we both are spending time, um, with every kid, you know but you've also experienced solo parenting right Because he's been deployed, since you've had kids.

Parker: 34:37

So, then would you suggest, like paying for an hour or asking somebody to come over for an hour, like if you are solo? Are there other tips that you would would give somebody if they don't have somebody very lucky to have a lot of family come out and like take shifts.

Cali: 34:59

So if Daniel was gone for like three weeks, I had like my sister come out and my mother-in-law and then my mom, um, but I honestly, I just now got a babysitter.

Cali: 35:05

About two months ago it took me this long to feel comfortable finding someone to watch the kids that I didn't know so much and, um, I wish I would have done it sooner because she's come over and just like taking the girls on a wagon ride and I have literally just like sat here for like 30 minutes or like stretched, or I took Max individually to a swim lesson while she stayed here with the girls and I had solo time with Max.

Cali: 35:30

So, yeah, if you can afford it I know some people say like three days a week they'll have help, or, um, you know, if it's just every Friday, you have like a two to three hour block and you schedule all of your appointments that you might need then, cause that's the other things I schedule, like my dentist, and you know all these appointments around when family's coming and they're all coming from the East coast to California, so it's not really feasible, but we've been lucky to have great family support. But yeah, I just found that babysitter and now I'm like we're moving and I'm like got to start another one, it'll be okay, probably take another four years.

Parker: 36:04

Um, okay, so uh, as we wrap up, if you could go back and talk to you when you just had Max, kind of, what would you say to yourself if you could talk to Cali three years ago?

Cali: 36:18

Well, I wish I could show her what she's doing now, because I remember thinking one baby was so challenging. Now am I ever going to get through this? And now I'm doing three kids plus two dogs and like doing that. So I think, like telling myself, you know, it's important that they're cared for, they're fed and they're loved. And if you're doing those things, um, you know you're doing great to not be so like hard on yourself and um, expect these, you know standards, like you're going to have meltdowns, you're going to have good days, you're going to have bad, and um, yeah, take care of yourself and know that you're doing a really good job. And um, you'll make it. You'll make it through it and it's just a season. That's literally what I would probably tell myself to make it a little easier.

Parker: 37:07

Well, thank you so much for joining us today.

Cali: 37:10

Thank you so much for having me. It was good to talk to you.