Lessons To Learn Before You Die
You can’t get through life without learning a few lessons along the way. Guests share their personal stories and tidbits of wisdom with listeners.
Lessons To Learn Before You Die
Say Hello: Building a Community Through Consistency
What does it take to build a true sense of belonging in an increasingly individualized world? My good friend Sean, went from a shy first-generation Malaysian-American kid to expert community builder by being vulnerable and disciplined. Through his experiences in competitive gaming, CrossFit, and speed puzzling, he demonstrates how consistency and showing up are the foundations of developing meaningful connection.
In this episode we cover:
• How growing up as a Malaysian-American in New Jersey presented cultural integration challenges
• Transitioning from childhood shyness to becoming a community connector through consistent participation
• Finding community through niche hobbies like fighting games, CrossFit, and competitive puzzling
• Overcoming the fear of putting yourself out there when you're new to a group or activity
• The importance of acknowledging others' existence with a simple hello
• Maintaining connections by reaching out to people when they cross your mind
• Three keys to building community: consistency, acknowledgement, and accessibility
• Balancing romantic relationships with maintaining friendships and community connections
• Creating spaces where people can bring their authentic selves
You're in for a good laugh with this one as our familiar banter is ever present. Hope you enjoy the ramblings of friends!
About the Guest:
Sean Hengchua is a 1st generation American from New Jersey who has found himself in the Pacific Northwest. He has developed a knack for connecting with people earnestly.
You can find him on social @Gbursine.
Podcast Intro and Outro Music from #Uppbeat (free for Creators!):
https://uppbeat.io/t/moire/new-life
Thanks for listening! Find me @lessonstolearnbeforeyoudie. And if you enjoy the podcast, I'd really appreciate sharing the love (share an episode or leave me a review!)
Hello and welcome. Today we have Sean joining us. Sean is a first generation American from New Jersey who has found himself in the Pacific Northwest and has developed a knack for connecting with people. Earnestly Welcome, Sean.
Parker:Hello am so excited to catch up, and you were one of my first friends when I moved to Portland because you included me in your group and you invited me out on the hottest freaking weekend of the year. It was like a hundred and something and we went out to the beach and I'm just so grateful for you for doing that, and you have a trend of doing that, of inviting new people in the area, um, out to social gatherings. So is that something that you've always done or what kind of started that habit? Tell me a little bit about that background that you know it's funny.
Sean:Uh, you're one of like. There's a handful of people that are like you're the first friend I had in Portland, like what the?
Parker:hell. Technically, helen was my first friend, but you were very close.
Sean:But like yeah, no, I mean, and that's fine, but I'm really surprised that I've come to be that person. Yeah, no, I. Your question was how did I get here?
Parker:Yeah, like, have you always been the kind of person who extends that olive branch to new people? Is that a habit you've always had?
Sean:Or kind of tell me about that background for you. I mean, I was like a timid kid and I was super shy. I was like an introvert, an extrovert and an introvert's body. So I wanted to make friends but I was really super shy growing up so it was really hard. I didn't have many friends growing up at all you're the opposite now so opposite, total opposite. But because my parents were immigrants and uh yeah, they came to jersey from texas, from malaysia, so it's like new, new, new and um, people say portland's a white city, it's got nothing on.
Sean:Like my hometown it's like 90 percent italians, like eight percent irish people and then one percent everything else, two percent everything else.
Sean:So there was a big integration, uh hurdle that I had to uh kind of tackle growing up and figure out, like for like you know, all of my like primary, secondary school of like, how do I become, how do I like be American with two Like you'll have, like the Asians, that have like one white parent and one Asian parent and you usually have that one white parent is like, oh yeah, obviously you're going to dress up for Halloween and beg people for candy and yeah, we're going to and then allow, do sleepovers and stuff. My mother did none of that, my parents did. We did trick-or-treating but a lot of like small cultural norms I'm still learning today and making friends and finding commonality is something that growing up, I had such a struggle with that. Now, when I see people in a new city, you know and even you see people who you think might be snobby. Oftentimes it's just people being reserved and shy and just wanting connection or just saying, hey, I'll connect. I'm not afraid to connect, I just don't know how to reach out and make that connection.
Sean:So usually for me now my habit is like oh just saying hi and just making eye contact, because a lot of people even like, what was it? I remember Shallow Howe, gwyneth Paltrow was in a fat suit and she's like, yeah, when I went down, toco was in a fat suit and she's like, yeah, when I went down to the bar, my fat suit, no one would even make eye contact with me and I was like, oh, like that's, that's such a, that's not like isolated to just you know heavy set people, it's just you know any.
Parker:Any people who are like somewhere new is like they just want that kind of just that low level connection I feel like, as we've gotten older too, people are more set in their friend groups as it is, unless you kind of are transplant, and so I remember when I moved to Portland I was like it seems like everybody's friendly but nobody wants to be my friend, like they'd be polite and nice but like it seems like their group was set and they were good and they didn't need to add any more people, or they weren't really open to adding more people. So it's kind of scary and I could see how this could very easily turn into like just navigating, making friends in a new city. Who knows, sometimes my topics go off off board, but it could go into the direction of, you know, being a first generation person. You know we could just have you back. Actually is what I'm feeling, and a multi-part conversation oh my god, yeah.
Sean:Well, you know what's funny too, though, is like um so so what I find, too, is consistency is everything Okay, even if, like, uh, even if you don't talk to anybody? I think just being consistent and showing up and becoming a familiar face eventually leads to like the connection of, of, of community and meeting people. Um, something I don't usually talk to you or other people in our sphere about is that I used to play fighting games competitively.
Parker:That's cool.
Sean:And there. So the way fighting game works, games work is like there's like 15 different fighting games from three or four different companies Back in the day, I like in college after this, you know, hurdle of secondary school I ended up just doing a bunch of research while I was in college on on one of the one of these niche fighting games and, um, and just like hosting tournaments. So this is just like a hobby from nothing, right, and people would show up and I'd be like just pay a dollar. You know there's all these other tournaments that you're paying five and ten dollars for and the way it works is like everyone pays x amount of money like five, ten dollars, five dollars, ten dollars and then they, you know they do a. You know they just play video games in a bracket and then the winner takes all the money or most of the money you can make money if you're, you know it's like any, if you're gonna make money, you, uh, you can.
Sean:Or if you can play good, you can make money. Rather, but the consistent, just like having regular events and showing up to majors, like eventually garnered this community and then even just being um a source of information in that specific hobby, ended up creating this like this is huge community. That is like international. Now that I'm like, holy crap, I never. This is like it's on a scope, that like it's beyond me and I'm happy it's beyond me and it's so small and so niche. But I'm like, oh, wow, wow, like there's people all over the world playing this game and part of it was because of this foundation I created uh online and of information and because of like these, these uh events, um, that I ended up holding and that's that's like kind of the key right now.
Sean:I'm, we're uh, my partner and I uh we've been puzzling competitively in portland. Portland has a weekly puzzle competition that started two years ago and two years ago they had like 12 teams come every week and now there's like 30 teams every single week and on the national board for uh national speed jigsaw puzzling, we have like two or three members like in the top 20 or 30 of the country. It's. It's really amazing um and how small and grassroots and kind this community is and you just show up.
Sean:Yeah, you don't. You don't necessarily need to place top five, top three every time, but it's one of those things where, even with CrossFit, you just show up and you eventually start to get names, you start to meet the people that are really great at this hobby or even just that are just like interactive, because, unlike CrossFit CrossFit's interesting we will chat a little bit, we'll warm up and then we'll all suffer for like 20 minutes together, but separately together but separately, and we're having this shade, this shared suffering, and then, maybe for five or ten minutes after, we're like that sucked, yeah, that sucked.
Sean:It's such a funny connection that we have, uh, in crossfit, um, and it's, it's regular, you do it regularly. You're like, oh, I'm suffering with this person every single week. What a great it's a great bonding experience.
Parker:But if I'm thinking about it, you've just listed like competitive gaming for like a fighting game yeah, speed puzzling and crossfit.
Parker:So I feel like that just shows that there's a niche for everyone, no matter how specific your interest gets oh yeah and if there's not, it seems like you can create something and most likely, if you get the word out, people show up. But oh yeah, how do you get over that discomfort of being new or putting yourself out there or showing up to something or starting something of your own? Because it's kind of really scary to put yourself out there, like even if you're sure of who you are. It's like a vulnerable experience when you don't have that like safety of people who know you Like I don't know how to get over that.
Sean:It's very scary. You'll notice that all those things, aside from puzzling puzzling can be, they're all individual things. As soon as you get to a team thing, it's very scary. I uh I remember like when I I got out, was getting out of my last, last relationship I was like I need to do something that isn't just me playing games in my room. I need to like go and expand my circle and just meet people and the first thing I tried was a board game meetup.
Parker:And.
Sean:I think twice. I'd walk in, look at all the tables, stare around, act like I was looking at their products, and then I'd walk out. It's petrifying. It's scary, yeah, it's petrifying, and I mean it's petrifying and I mean I had like established all my other, you know, uh, the other groups too, but it's so petrifying like, uh, um, I think it's just showing up.
Parker:I think I like black out and just like do it on a whim and I'm like fuck it, I'm gonna go for it.
Sean:You know yeah.
Parker:I, um, when I first moved to Colorado Springs, I was really struggling, and so I kept getting ads though for for like co-rec leagues, and so I was like I don't really play any sports, but I signed up for kickball because I was like surely if I did it in elementary school I can do it now. And so I signed up for like rec league for kickball. I did that for one or two seasons. It was all right, but I ended up meeting somebody on that kickball. I did that for one or two seasons, um, it was all right, but I ended up meeting somebody on that kickball team who invited me to their volleyball team, and so now I have like a very small, small community here. But it is from signing up for the volleyball team and, um, yeah, I do feel like you kind of just have to bite the bullet and put yourself out there, but maybe you just find digestible ways to do it and, like you said, like consistency, eventually it pays off, right, yeah?
Sean:So I did two meetups. So the first was board games, okay, and I met the first time I met a really nice group, and then they kind of fizzled off after COVID, and that's fine.
Parker:That happens.
Sean:Yeah, but then, yeah, I went back a couple times I was like this is so scary, I need to go. And sometimes that happens and sometimes, like for those kind of things, if you have somebody like who's willing to join you, to go out that's where I think that can help.
Sean:And you kind of for fighting games. We used to do this a lot when arcades were a thing. You just go play at an arcade just to fish. It was just kind of like putting a hook in the water Just to meet, just to fight somebody. And meet somebody Just to be like oh hey, you're good, are you competitive? Do you play outside of here or do you practice for competitions? Do you work?
Sean:You're like a little sales recruiter, you, you, you have to, because, especially in fighting games, because, like before online and before message boards and stuff, everyone used to just kind of like come and go, you'd know, oh, like, uh, they'd have long island, joe, you'd have baltimore, uh, tony, you know, like, literally, these are real people. Okay, yeah, yeah, um, and we don't necessarily like, and then we don't. We knew that not with without so much effort. In like crossfit and I do judo too uh, where somebody new will come in and you don't have to give them the sales pitch. You just say hey, and then it's, then it's just easy. It's like hey, what's your name? I'm sean. Like let's suffer together. Um, how long you've been doing this, you know. And then, and then you become more than just somebody at the, at the gym or somebody you know. I don't know the thing it becomes.
Parker:Oh, this is so, and so I know some of his, their story yeah, it kind of feels like if you are the, the person who's new or looking for community. It's like being vulnerable, taking baby steps, putting yourself out there and if you're the one that already has the community. Just like being kind and considerate enough and like mindful enough to reach out to somebody who you don't necessarily recognize yeah yeah, but I also feel like what's the worst that can happen?
Parker:and oftentimes I feel like the worst that can happen is either like you have an okay with time with somebody and you just never talk again, or you just like don't make a connection that day, and I feel like that can feel really disheartening. But it's also like, really, is that the worst thing that happens? You know, I don't know it's.
Sean:It's kind of like a date too, though you have to have respect for yourself and love for yourself to say well, that didn't work out and that doesn't mean I'm a bad person or this is a bad event.
Parker:It means it was just a bad connection yeah, how do you feel like you navigate that when you're kind of testing things out with a new friend, Because not everybody is compatible and maybe you're not a good fit for friends Like what do you do then?
Sean:You just I mean, yeah, like I said you, I think you just have to say this is okay, maybe you're for somebody else. Um, I'm gonna keep doing my thing and be kind because you can like. Um, this is this may not have a place here, but you can be. You can not like somebody, but still be civil. You can have civil distance with anybody, right, um, and and yeah, like, we all have hobbies and I saw in range my partner like don't, we, don't, we don't need to yuck people's hobbies, you know? Um, just kind of like, do our thing. Um, so, yeah, sometimes, and there's people who like, don't, like it's like aggressive sales people. Some people I don't like aggressive sales people.
Parker:Like it almost makes me not want to buy from you.
Sean:I'm like yeah, okay, yeah and some people, and I've had people who are like I just want to work out bro, I'm like that's fine that's true.
Parker:Some people come and they want the privacy and I, I'm an extrovert. I think you're an extrovert. Yeah, like I. I need the community, like for me, I feel like I've am most fulfilled and balanced and like stable when I, when I have a community, yeah, to vent to or hang out with or blow off some steam with or kind of share, be vulnerable. Vulnerable with, but I don't know like what. Do you think the importance of community is?
Sean:Like I think we've had moments in doing a workout where I remember like we'd have a lot of people and I'd have one group here chatting and one group here chatting and one group here chatting, and I'm like me, like I think you know, I usually finish like last or second last. I don't yeah, I never try to rush a workout. I'm just, like you know, trying to like I'm just doing this, I'm slow, I know I'm slow and I'm not winning a medal if I, if I get top top two. So I'm just like I'm just gonna finish and then I'm just huffing and I'm just there in the center. I'm like this is great. I don't need to be connected to everybody, but to be around a lot of people without judgment is great, because there's so many life is short and there's so many shitty people out there that could be judging everything we do and being hateful. That like this is this is like this is the end goal of like, of just existence. You don't necessarily need to connect to be grateful for, you know, having people around you.
Sean:You know that are friendly and you know plug in, plug out whoever you want like. So I. I think that's my. My outlook of appreciation for community comes from just like I think it comes back to that root of just growing with a lot of like malicious people or even just like social ostracism and isolation from just kind of trying to integrate and isolation from just kind of trying to integrate um would you?
Parker:I mean um? You're malaysian and and most asian countries are your parents are malaysian. Um yeah, most asian countries are known as a very like community society, whereas the us is far more kind of individualism, like. Did your parents instill any habits in you to try and build a community, or is that just something you were naturally craving, because you felt different?
Sean:I think, yeah, they my. My father, my parents did Rotary which is what is Rotary? It's? It's just like a club for old rich people to donate. They're in like every town, they're in every town and I should say, oh, I'm just, I'm definitely being uh cynical, um, but there I. There has been a drive for younger uh people to okay but I think where are you going though?
Sean:yeah, they were part of a community organization, but it's such a noble organization and I've definitely been an honorary Rotary member for years where I would just show up and just help at whatever charity event they were doing.
Parker:Yeah.
Sean:And that networking and even just meeting with people like they just do nothing, just meeting with people like they just do nothing. They literally just go and have, have a meal, and then they talk about somebody's somebody's uh charity, like once a week, you know, or or even health habits once every week or every other week I think it's every week and and then they go home. There's no like the event is just eating um, which I? I mean I'm not gonna eat a lot of events surround by food right.
Parker:I feel like you want somebody to show up somewhere. You offer free food right, yeah right, right, right, right, right.
Sean:So that definitely was one of my things. They would host. My parents would host parties and stuff too, so they were good, very good, about just engaging with people and I was definitely a boy. I had boy energy. I was like all over the place and sean, you still have boy energy I was parkouring off of, like every wall, wall.
Parker:You still do that that's why in their group chats there's always some kind of message about you parkouring or Gumby-ing around, and we love that.
Sean:Yeah, no, it's, it's good and it's not a bad thing to be known by. It could always be worse.
Parker:Well, I mean clearly I think of you for a lot of things more than just. Well, I mean clearly I think of you for a lot of things more than just, because, literally, I thought of community and I thought of you. So, thank you.
Sean:So, ok, your parents volunteered and they hosted, and so they, they did have community as a priority for themselves as well. Yeah, but it was like a long, I think. So then my hurdle, though, with that was that whole integration component of like well, how do I make friends and how do I show up, well, actually.
Sean:And then the other thing was like uh, my relationship prior was very isolating when I moved here she's like I kind of don't want to hang out with anybody and I kind of just want to hang out with you. I was like okay, not knowing, kind of learning. That was like my first big relationship where I was learning what was important to me, what was healthy in a relationship too.
Sean:And it wasn't until I got out of that relationship that I said I'm going to make an effort to engage in my communities more. And this is after moving here. After you know, I kind of passed the baton off with the fighting game stuff. I had friends who were running all the major tournaments on the East coast on my behalf now and all the information. You know the way games can work as they. They kind of go and go so like they're still a thriving community. But it didn't need me. I moved here and it was kind of like a nice soft restart on life. But then it wasn't until after that relationship that I was like okay, how do I show up for all my activities of people and how do?
Sean:I expand my circle and it just kind of was just showing up and saying hi and engaging with people and kind of bringing up the idea hey, we should do something. You know, and as a man I know too, like even as a man in Portland, I'm like there's no strings attached. I'm like this is just like I want to engage with you, I want to get to know you and I want to just spend quality time with other human beings because, um, there's a lot of things that I'm intimidated to do, that you're not, that you could open my eyes for, and like, like, surprise, we went to surprise beach. I would never go to surprise beach by myself. Yeah, but it was fun, that was so much fun and that's yeah, it's only because of our like we had each other. That was like oh, this is right here, let's do it.
Parker:You feel like more courageous once you have somebody else with you and you're you can like you said pull each other in all these different directions.
Sean:Yeah.
Parker:Um, pull each other in all these different directions, yeah, um, well, so you, when you first moved there, you were in a rather isolating relationship and now you're in quite healthy relationship. Yeah, love her for that. Um, do you feel like friendships are as important as romantic relationships? Because I know like romantic relationships are almost idolized to a certain extent, but personally I feel like friendships are and serve a different purpose.
Sean:They they do, um, but there are. You know, friendships are just another form of relationship and there's healthy habits we build engaging with each other and showing up for each other and supporting each other. And you know, because we all I mean you and me, coming from the East Coast we relate so much compared to everyone else around here.
Parker:We always said we had our East Coast things.
Sean:Yeah, we do definitely have our East Coast. We love to complain about everything and no one else gets it. And I just want to complain about everything and no one else gets it, and I just want to complain. Thank you for validating me, and I just want to make us think.
Parker:I'll get over it. I just need a bitch about it. I just need to bitch about it.
Sean:You know, and I'm going to, I'm going to honk, I'm going to yell at somebody if they're doing stupid stuff, you in the street, um, or if they're rude. Oh my god. You both grilled me so hard because I was like maybe I'll put my card away, and you were like you're not human. How could you know you have to put your card away.
Parker:That's so rude to the people that work there yeah, I'm gonna call you out on it like we call? Yes, you have. You should call your friends out on stuff, especially not putting a damn card away. What are you? A heathen?
Parker:no, yeah okay well, now that you have I mean, let's be honest, we both have gotten into relationships in the past, you know few years, yeah and it does add another layer of something to focus on. So how do you feel like you balance being there for your friends with your own needs whether that's in your relationship or just for yourself, like needing your own time or needing work on your things like? How do you balance that?
Sean:wait, say that again how I balance.
Parker:How do you balance like showing up for your friends, with having your own needs in, say, like your personal relationship, like or your romantic relationship?
Sean:Oh man, I mean you're always going to prioritize your personal slash romantic relationship. I feel like yeah slash romantic relationship. I feel like, yeah, um, but I, even with my partner, like it's, it's important to have friends, it's so important to have more than just your, your, your small world of you and your partner, which is, like you know, it's important, it's valuable it can't be your everything it's not fair I feel like it's not.
Sean:It's not fair, but also, um, I think just, we add flavor to each other and and it still comes back to like um, we all are different people and we all provide opportunities to empower and provide new experiences and interactions with each other. Um, and yeah, I think it's so important. Um, and I'm sure, like even in romantic partners, you both need breaks from each other. Um, don't tell rachel, I said that I don't, I'm fine I think it's important.
Parker:I think sometimes guys need guys nights or girls need girls yeah you need an interaction that brings out a different side of you, and I could spend every single day with my partner like every single day, but I still know and crave and want time with other people as well same same thing, oh man attracting from him. It's just like adding to me even even amongst friends.
Sean:I know you and our old group used to have, just like your girl time. I was like I want to be part of that, but I ain't no girl and I respect sometimes we let others into the girl time, but sometimes I just need girl time yeah it's fine. Yeah, I was like it's. It's just, you need it. You know, we all provide different things for each other and, uh, it's healthy, it's so healthy.
Parker:There's a saying that, like you know, it takes a village, but there's also a saying that I've heard recently that, like to have a village, you have to be a villager. I think we've become so individualized where it's like you really need to protect your space and your boundaries and then it's gotten, you know where it is sometimes inconvenient and I want people to respect their needs, but also, like, if you want people to be there for you, even when it's hard, like I feel like you have to sometimes be there for them.
Sean:You do yeah.
Parker:Oh yeah.
Sean:Well, even like you have to be able to reciprocate for other people and for yourself, and even for nice things too. This sounds really stupid, but I was like I've had my therapist be like, hey, you need to let other people take care of you too, otherwise your friends are going to think you're using them or they're using you. Not everyone wants that relationship and even then, that's like you gotta let people celebrate you too, like okay, yes, yeah, like we.
Parker:I think that's the benefit of being friends is like you get to celebrate each other and their wins and their blessings and their lows and their struggles, and it's in the mundane every day, like that's a part of it. Sean and I went on a tangent um. It was inappropriate to do so. If we had to trim something, welcome back, um.
Sean:I have a little anecdote to share. Um, from sandy hurricane sandy, okay, yeah 12 hit and I remember after the storm was like two or three days after the storm hit, my, my family decided to stay on the water and we were on island for like a day and a half and after the water receded, um, the water got up to like a foot beneath our first floor Like it was like you could hear the water sloshing up and we're underneath the house just pulling all the insulation off and I go to my dad, like Dad, what about our neighbors? Don't we want to help them? He goes and I remember him saying he's like how can we help the other people if we can't even help ourselves? We need to help ourselves first. Um, and that stuck with me so hard because it's so easy for me to to uh me being me, and this is like a sean personality thing to just be like, hey, like let me help, let me help, we help.
Sean:But like if, if you got things at home or internally you gotta take care of, like that is always, that should always be a priority.
Parker:Like you shouldn't burn, uh, shouldn't set yourself on fire to keep somebody else warm yes, I mean like they say you have to put on your own oxygen mask on the plane before you can put on somebody else's right. It's a balance and you have to kind of listen to your own needs. Yeah, um, but I have noticed people wanting a community but just being a little bit more individually focused, to the point where it's like is this really a need?
Sean:or you just kind of feel like a little like yeah, right, and sometimes it is like well, nobody's dying, just just do it. Just do some like kind of like. I think you are you the one that said just do the thing yeah, that was my first episode.
Parker:Oh, my god, I love you. Did you one that said just do the thing.
Sean:Yeah, that was my first episode.
Parker:Oh, my God, I love you, did you listen.
Sean:Yeah, sean, yeah. So I think you just got to do it.
Parker:Yeah, there's a balance, though. I do hear you, if you're in crisis mode, you need to look out for yourself, but part of like showing up for each other's celebrations and difficulties is like showing up other celebrations and difficulties is like showing up, right.
Sean:Yeah, well, that's even like internal, your internal struggles of just being shy and being timid is like sometimes. Sometimes you just just go and you don't have to contribute. You don't have to, you know, overextend yourself, don't feel like you need to do more than be, to be more than yourself, because people aren't looking for people to be, uh, what they want.
Parker:They're looking for people to be what they are right yeah so like they want the real you you want the real you yeah, and if they don't meet the real you, eventually the real you is going to. Yeah, yeah no, maybe, though, like you said, like maybe, you just kind of have to put yourself out there and that doesn't feel like comfortable, but still you, that's you making the brave decision, even if it feels like out of comfort zone. If you could give somebody a handful of advice, like you know, the three top things to build a community, what would you say?
Sean:those pieces of advice are oh, let me go to my list.
Parker:Look, he prepped.
Sean:He prepped. I mean, obviously the lead thing is always consistency. Okay, I like that Just like showing up I'm just showing up and being reliable, whether it's being part of another community or trying to start a community. Right is just showing up and being reliable so that, even if somebody skips like one week or one day, be like, oh well, so, and so will be there on this day and then you know, just reliability of just being present, is important.
Sean:The other thing is just acknowledging people's existence and just saying hi, you don't even need to like go into something deep, but like hello, people sometimes just want you to know that they're there and know that they exist. And I think just accessibility, too, Like that's. I mean, that goes on another level, but like of just like outside of an event or a hobby, is how do you, how do you keep things alive when it's not happening? It's like, well, if anyone ever thinks or wants to reach out or wants to connect you, you know, you've, you know make yourself accessible in some way, shape or form. And that's what all the discords and phone. You know everyone's got a cell phone now and it's so easy to kind of just connect with everybody, Instagram or whatever. You know everyone's got a cell phone now and it's so easy to kind of just connect with everybody, Instagram or whatever you know, depending on how in or out of the mud of social websites and stuff you want to get deep into.
Parker:If I'm thinking about like maintaining a community too. Yeah, one thing that I've tried really really hard to do recently Well, actually no, over time, sometimes I'm better at it, sometimes I'm not. But like if somebody crosses my mind, I try and shoot them a text. That's just like, hey, thinking of you, like hope you're doing well, yeah.
Parker:Even if it's not to start a conversation just to be like, hey, you crossed my mind, like I'm thinking about you, even if we don't have the capacity to like do something or catch up or whatever. Like that acknowledgement is a great way to to maintain in my mind oh, that's huge, oh, actually.
Sean:So there's another. What's it called? It's uh. What's it called when babies, uh, when you play peekaboo?
Parker:Oh, the object permanence Is that it.
Sean:So there's emotional object permanence, which is like if I say, hey, parker, I think of you, hope you're okay, and then you don't respond, and emotional object permanence is like, oh my God, she didn't respond. She must hate me, she must really think I'm a POS because I haven't responded. But that's like just because, like, if you don't say anything, I assume that you have a, your emotional. It's horrible. I start catastrophizing. That's really dangerous to have.
Parker:And I think when you say that Because you don't know what's going on in their life either.
Sean:No, no, no, exactly they might be going through stuff and they might be like you might have just made their day and they just didn't have the time to get back to you. And most people are like I'm a horrible responder anyway. So I think it's important to have the self-confidence to say, hey, I send this message with love, with care, and you do with what you need to and I hope you're okay.
Sean:And that's the most sincerest way of I think also of doing that not just for the other person, but for yourself, so that you don't get like, oh God, I haven't heard from Parker. Okay, I reached out to you, no, I get it though.
Parker:Sometimes people are not in a place to respond and it could just be the timing. It could be that they opened it while they were busy and meant to get back to you later and then never did. Like there's so many things that could be going on. They could be in a state of crisis, but it usually makes somebody a day like it's never gonna hurt somebody's day to be like oh, they reached out to me unless you're like a stalker, which we're not exactly, yeah and uh, yeah, I think it's like being earnest showing up.
Parker:I love, I love your advice of just kind of being consistent and, um, I think for me I would say, like, just find, find something that interests you. Like there are a lot of community groups or things. Like you, find a place where the people are yeah, it's a farmer's market or a tournament or a rec league or a puzzling competition or a coffee shop or like whatever. There are book clubs now and all kinds of things. Here's the other thing, though I will say it is easier in a city where a lot of these things exist, and it has been a while since I've lived in a rural area. So I want to be mindful for my, my country folk back in the day that, um, you can create that in your small town too. Like small towns, everyone knows everyone. So, um, you could create that community though, like, and I bet if you post in your local facebook group like tom, jim and sally will show up or at least talk about it.
Sean:So, if you're consistent, like you said, it's amazing how the world's getting and how easy it is to just kind of find a central hub yeah, and I like what you said about just like creating those spaces too.
Parker:Like you created the gaming thing or like I don't know, I just like maybe serving others in some small ways and is actually helpful too, like you said, creating um resources for people or information or things like that.
Sean:Like, yeah, well, like meetups meetups are good, depending on what. Like I did the board game meetup and that I guess I love board games, but I was so scared I haven't done one since. Um, but then I did. I did a crochet circle with a bunch of fabric did that's right, yeah, I'm still part of that group and I'm I'm like I need to go to this every week because I have this connection with these people, uh with with these gals.
Parker:They're really nice, I have to be every week. You can just go every so often.
Sean:Yeah it's well, it's monthly and and like you know the month. They have weekly ones too, but it's for for them and then even for, in that case, for other men, because it's such a woman dominated hobby like I. Gotta make this place safe for men too you are.
Parker:You're crocheting. You've made some impressive things. Man, how do you feel like if you were to create one of those environments? How do you feel like you make it approachable for somebody who is new and like like. How do you feel like you make it approachable for somebody who is new and like like, how do you not make it the board game environment, but make it like the puzzling environment?
Sean:you know what I mean uh, I think you like kind of establish, like you, god, it really depends on the hobby. Like puzzling is easy because you have teams, board games is hard because, like you're just like, oh, I'm just looking for, and some people are better at that, I'm so shy, I'm shy in those cases.
Parker:Um I'm shy when I walk in and it's like a big group, like it feels overwhelming. So there either needs to be like somebody to come out and be like hi and like welcome me in. This is a lot to take in, whereas, like if there's just like a straggler here and there, I can approach one person yeah I don't I just struggle when it's a large group.
Sean:It's still hard from yeah, it is hard from the outside. So then it's just finding the niche, that niche, hobby or club or thing that that might be able to integrate, and just checking it out, just show. Just showing up is kind of the first step in seeing, because sometimes maybe it's just not your vibe yeah, that's true.
Parker:Um, okay, last question. I promise, if you could go back and tell little sean in new jersey, who is scared and just want friends, what would you tell sean, little sean then?
Sean:oh, little sean had to cope.
Parker:Little sean knew this is now it's gonna get better I was like I asked this question to every guest and some people are like so compassionate and you're like little sean, buck up, you got it I literally like I literally was trying to, to self-soothe myself as a kid, being like it's gonna get better.
Sean:It's because the kids are horrible. These are horrible. We talk about identity. I had so many nicknames that weren't sean that I'm like no, I picked my nickname and now it's Sean.
Parker:Wait, your nickname. It's your real name, not Sean.
Sean:Well, people call me Jackie Chan, which is fine, but in the context of being the only Asian person, oh my God.
Parker:If you guys could see my face right now.
Sean:Oh my God, if you guys could see my face right now. Oh my god, uh, and yeah, some other like less uh pc names that uh weren't necessarily great, had them all too. So, um, yeah, younger sean, uh, you know, it's always gonna get better, tomorrow's always gonna be better and usually, uh, no one's dying sean, yeah, I adore you.
Parker:Thank you so much for talking. Anything else you want to add, uh?
Sean:I mean no, just be brave, and you know love yourself, you know love it. Thanks for listening thank you so much.
